The Feng Shui Adjustment
By #HerbieHind
When spoiled heiress Chloe Buckingham hires a feng shui consultant to “fix the vibes” in her luxury apartment, she expects a few crystals and a mirror or two. However, discovering “balance” across a stern lap wasn't part of her plan. Consultant Joanne Parker understands that some energy misalignments stem not from the furniture, but from the client herself. This playful, sharp-witted tale explores modern privilege, unconventional remedies, and the surprising art of hands-on recalibration.
Act I: The Chaotic Space
The sharp scent of designer candles and freshly steamed curtains filled Chloe Buckingham’s new apartment as she flounced dramatically onto the overstuffed sofa. Her slim fingers flicked idly through her phone, sending bursts of emoji-laden texts to her friends. Oversized sunglasses perched atop her honey-blonde head, a signature affectation even when she was indoors. Across from her, Joanne Parker adjusted the angle of a floor lamp, pursed her lips, and tried her best not to sigh.
Joanne was used to demanding clients. She’d feng shui’d penthouses, country manors, and on one memorable occasion – even a yacht. But Chloe Buckingham, heiress and professional socialite, was testing her patience like no one before.
“So,” Chloe drawled, not looking up, “are you, like, gonna tell me to hang crystals or bang on some wind-chimes or something?”
Joanne smoothed her blazer and forced a polite smile.
“It’s about much more than that. Feng Shui is the art of harmonising space. It’s about creating a flow of energy, a sense of groundedness.”
“Mmm-hmm.” Chloe scrolled, one bare foot kicking idly at a velvet cushion on the floor. “Honestly, Jo, I just need the vibe right for Saturday. If the girls come here and the aura’s, like, off, they’ll notice.”
Joanne gave a slow, measured nod, stepping around to survey the space. Sleek chrome-and-glass tables. A lurid abstract canvas. A neon lamp glowing in the corner. On paper, it should have worked. The decor felt modern, curated, and on-trend, yet something about the room felt out of whack, as if the energy snagged and stumbled the moment she stepped inside.
She couldn’t quite put her finger on it. The furniture was striking, the layout careful. But still… the space felt restless, uneasy, like a radio tuned slightly off-station.
“There’s a lot of conflicting energy in here,” Joanne murmured thoughtfully. “It’s not just the furniture — something in the space feels… agitated. It’s as if the chi’s been stirred up, but I can’t quite pinpoint the best approach… yet.”
Chloe snorted, tossing her phone aside. “Agitated? Sweetheart, the only agitated thing here is me. You’re taking forever!”
Joanne drew a calming breath. She loved her work, truly, but there were limits.
She let her gaze flick briefly, knowingly, toward Chloe before turning back with a hint of mischief. “You know what? I think the issue might be a bit more… personal. Let’s try to get to the bottom of this with something far more immediate.”
Chloe arched an eyebrow. “Immediate? I love immediate.”
Without another word, Joanne pulled a soft grey rug from the corner and laid it carefully in the centre of the room. She positioned a minimalist leather dining chair precisely atop it, then fetched a large, hand-carved olivewood salad spoon from the kitchen counter. With methodical care, she laid the spoon across the seat.
Finally, she adjusted a full-length mirror to face the arrangement, angling it just so.
Chloe watched, arms crossed, a smirk tugging at her lips. “Okay, I get it. You’re doing some, like, artsy installation thing.”
She sauntered over in her clingy yoga pants, casting a disdainful eye over the setup. As she leaned in to inspect the chair, the mirror provided a tantalizing glimpse of her reflection. Her loose, open-necked t-shirt slipped forward, teasing a hint of cleavage and a flash of lacy bra strap, though Chloe was too busy rolling her eyes to notice.
“But seriously, Jo, when do we get to the chi flow or whatever?”
Joanne stepped closer, smoothing a crease from her trousers — a small, quiet motion, almost like centering herself.
“You see, Chloe,” she said softly, “the real blockages aren’t always in the room.”
Chloe frowned, puzzled. “What are you—?”
In one swift, fluid motion, Joanne seized the spoon and sat, effortlessly pulling Chloe over her lap. The momentum sent the impertinent socialite tumbling across her knees, hands braced on the rug, feet barely grazing the floor.
This time, she couldn’t escape the mirror. The reflection of her indignant expression above the shamefully gaping t-shirt made her cheeks flush with embarrassment.
“Hey!” Chloe yelped, kicking her legs in surprise. “Jo! What do you think you’re doing?!”
Joanne calmly adjusted her position, her voice smooth and purposeful. “Sometimes, the most effective solutions are the ones that seem the most unconventional. The chair symbolizes grounding, the rug contains the energetic field, and having you over my lap represents balance. Now we can focus on some energetic adjustments.”
Chloe twisted, her cheeks flaming red. “You can’t be serious!”
“Completely,” Joanne murmured, tapping the spoon lightly against Chloe’s pert, yoga-clad bottom.
“This oversized spoon introduces the wood element, symbolizing growth and vitality. Now, let’s start by aligning your rear chakras with optimal energy flow.”
Act II: Rebalancing the Energy
With the air of someone maneuvering a prized piece of furniture, Joanne wrapped a reassuringly strong arm around Chloe's slender waist and raised the spoon above her right shoulder.
“Sometimes,” Joanne declared, delivering a swift, well-aimed swat, “radical measures are required.”
Chloe let out an indignant squeak as the spoon landed again, and then again, the spanks ringing out with a brisk, authoritative rhythm. “You—you can’t just—oh! My yoga pants! You’re going to leave a mark!”
Joanne, cool as a cucumber, flashed a dry smile. “Stretchy lycra is excellent for energetic transmission. Leather or denim would block the flow.”
“Oh, you’re kidding me—ouch! I suppose you’re going to tell me this is the fire element, are you?” Chloe squawked, her cheeks flushing both fore and aft.
“Exactly,” Joanne said crisply, punctuating each word with a sharp whack. “Transformation, passion, renewal. Feel the negativity burning away?”
Chloe kicked her feet in protest. From her preposterously vulnerable position, it certainly felt like something was starting to ignite.
“Feng Shui may require decisive action,” Joanne replied, continuing briskly. “Sometimes, to realign the universe, you have to realign the client—and that includes a little fiery motivation.”
The large mirror, perfectly angled, reflected the whole ridiculous scene: Chloe’s wide-eyed, astonished face, her glossy ponytail flicking indignantly with every squirm, and Joanne’s serene, composed expression, delivering each swat like an artist applying the skilful strokes of a masterpiece. Chloe caught her own reflection in a startled glance, suddenly struck by the ridiculousness of her sulky pout. In spite of her smarting behind, she let out a strangled, embarrassed laugh. Even in her indignation, some tiny part of her was feeling a nudge of self-awareness.
“Oh, and the mirror?” Joanne added smoothly, her voice dripping with mischief. “It reflects the corrected energy back into the room, amplifying the effect—and your experience.”
“More like amplifying my humiliation!” Chloe groaned, squirming as another flurry of spanks landed, the mirror capturing every moment of her thorough transformation.
“But of course, to fully realign your energy, we need to expose the areas where the chi flows most freely. The air element is all about freedom. By lowering the barriers, we allow the chi to circulate.”
“Oh. My. God. Not my Lululemons!” Chloe yelped as she felt her clothing sliding swiftly down. The sensation of cool air wafting over bare bottom, left no doubt that Joanne was serious.
With an unseemly tangle of lycra and lace bundled around her knees, the heavy wooden spoon now had an unhindered path to its target, and Chloe's protests grew more urgent.
“This is insane! I can’t believe you’re doing this!”
“Think of it as an advanced yoga session,” Joanne replied, her tone smooth and teasing. “Energy realignment is about unblocking the pathways and promoting overall harmony—sometimes, that requires a little… exposure.”
Joanne resumed with a noble sense of achievement, noting how the spoon now delivered crisper smacks and Chloe’s protests rang sharper. Perhaps just a dozen more, she mused; after all, one wouldn’t want to overdo the fire element on a first visit.
In the mirror, Chloe watched the spoon rise and fall, each stinging spank warming her behind to a delightful shade of cherry red. Seeing herself like this—humbled, wriggling, and slightly ridiculous—gave her pause. She had truly been acting like a brat earlier, she reflected. Perhaps this whole “energy” thing wasn’t such nonsense after all.
At last, Joanne set the spoon gently onto the rug.
“There. Much better. You’ve just undergone a complete energetic reset.”
Chloe yanked up her yoga pants and panties in such a frantic tug she gave herself a brief, accidental wedgie, letting out a startled squeak as she wriggled and hastily smoothed her outfit.
“You—you are insane! Absolutely insane!” she exclaimed, her cheeks flushed with a mix of indignation and embarrassment.
Joanne gave a serene smile. “You’ll thank me later.”
Chloe folded her arms, cheeks glowing crimson, a retort rising — but she hesitated. The apartment did feel… lighter. Her own restless agitation had softened, somehow.
“Hmph,” Chloe muttered, half to herself. “We’ll see about that.”
Joanne gathered her things with a graceful nod. Inside, she felt a flicker of curiosity — perhaps Chloe Buckingham might surprise them both.
As the door clicked shut behind the consultant, Chloe stood in the middle of her now perfectly balanced apartment, rubbing the tender seat of her yoga pants, and wondering—with a grudging, puzzled flicker of amusement—if maybe, just maybe, there was more to Feng Shui than she had ever imagined.
Act III: The Alignment Sensation
Joanne left Chloe’s apartment that evening certain she’d never hear from her again. But three days later, her phone lit up with a message:
“Hi Joanne! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the apartment feels amazing. I’ve been sleeping better, my friends say I seem more ‘together,’ and even my parents noticed. Would you be available to consult at my family’s country estate next week? Chloe. xx”
Joanne stared at the screen, half-laughing, half-horrified.
The next week, she found herself in a sunlit drawing room with Chloe’s mother, Lady Buckingham, a formidable woman with coiffed silver hair, a designer scarf, and a habit of peering over her glasses.
“I must say,” Lady Buckingham murmured, watching Chloe glide serenely through the room, “I don't know how you managed it, but I do declare, she’s transformed. More grounded, more poised. Not a single tantrum all week.”
Joanne nodded cautiously. “Sometimes balance comes from recalibrating personal energy as well as the environment.”
Lady Buckingham tilted her head. “I hope you don't mind, but I've been passing your contact details to a number of acquaintances.”
Word spread fast. Before long, Joanne was receiving enquiries not just about room layouts and mirrors, but about her personal recalibration services. Chloe’s high-society friends were abuzz, and soon Joanne found herself ushered into sunlit penthouses, ivy-wrapped manors, and even the occasional discreet ambassador’s residence.
“It’s all about flow,” she’d explain smoothly, walking her clients through the space, repositioning chairs, centering mirrors, and helping her more impetuous clients experience a… spirited recalibration.
Instead of embarrassment, to be in receipt of Joanne’s “rear chakra recalibrations” became a badge of honour among the city’s society girls. One glossy magazine even ran a personal profile:
“From Energy to Elegance: The Rise of London’s Corrective Alignment Specialist” When Joanne Parker entered the world of feng shui, she never imagined she’d become the whispered secret of the international set. But through a curious blend of tradition, energy flow, and a touch of unconventional ‘realignment,’ Parker has become the go-to consultant for young socialites, influencers, and even minor royals seeking harmony — both in their apartments and in themselves.
At one glittering gala, an amused Lady Buckingham was overheard telling a duchess,
“It’s not just the furnishings, darling. Sometimes the girl needs rearranging, too.”
Soon, TikTok was filled with gleeful posts: “#AlignmentGlowUp,” “Before & After: Post-Parker Edition,” and even a viral challenge imitating Joanne’s poised spoon technique — complete with designer yoga pants. One contrite influencer received record views on her tearful confessional video: “You won't believe how Miss Parker changed my life.”
Joanne, for her part, remained composed. She still spoke of chi, wood elements, and the magic of balance — but beneath it all, she knew the truth: sometimes, the most stubborn negative energy wasn’t in the room, but in its occupants. And as it turned out, high society had an unexpected appetite for a consultant who knew precisely how to handle both.
With a quiet sigh and a knowing smile, Joanne reflected, “Sometimes, it takes a firm hand to direct the energy where it’s needed most.”
Joanne Parker, Corrective Alignment Specialist Bringing harmony, flow, and personal recalibration to London’s most discerning clientele. Combining classical feng shui principles with bespoke corrective techniques, Joanne’s services are sought after by high society figures, influencers, and select international clients seeking not just beautiful spaces — but profound personal transformation. (Private consultations available by discreet appointment only.)